On Being Tarana's Mama

It's Mother's Day weekend, time for reflecting on my life as a mother and the life of the mother who brought Tarana into this world. I think of that mother often. I can picture her playing out the stories T has told me. I can picture her grieving for the child she lost, for whatever reason unknown to us.

I have said time and again that, for me, adopting Tarana was no less than a direct command from God. He knew her from before the beginning of time. He knew she would lose her birth family and He chose us to give her a new one. He also knew that we needed her. Out of tragedy, God created a family.

Tarana has been home with us over four years now. I labored with her eighteen months between the time we started the adoption process and the day we brought her home.

When she first came home, I was ready to start the process again immediately. My wise social worker advised against this, and she was right. Then two years ago, I wanted to start the process again with a little boy, but that fell through and I haven't made much effort since.

I think it's because I finally feel content. I feel a strong connection with Tarana, and I don't feel like anyone is missing from our family. I have no desire to bring a new life into the world through childbirth, nor do I feel there's a child out there waiting for us to bring him or her home.

My first three years of motherhood were so hard. I experienced something like postpartum depression while Kyle spent the most time raising our new daughter. Everyday was a struggle for me, both at work and at home. The memory makes me think of Mr. Rogers' quote:

"Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun, like struggle."

We needed to solidify our family of three before we could consider bringing another child into our family. When T came home, I couldn't have known we would spend those first three years making a combined income that would have qualified us for welfare, and had it not been for my supplemental RF income, we would have been forced to apply for food stamps. I became so immersed in the demands of the school job I love that I didn't have much left to give to my family. We found ourselves so deep in debt that no foreign agency would approve us to adopt again.

So that's where we were up until about a year ago, but everything is better now. Our finances have improved so we are staying afloat and working on getting out of debt. I have more to give when I come home from work now, so I feel like I can finally be the mom I want to be. I thank God that circumstances kept me from adding to our family when really, I am meant to focus on Tarana. She is God's answer to years of agonizing prayer. Before she was home, I knew she was out there and we needed each other. Now she's home and I don't want to take her for granted.

Tarana is growing so fast. She is an amazing person and I want to treasure every moment I have with her. She's artistic and intelligent. She thinks big thoughts and asks big questions about the world and belief. I love the way she understands Jesus as her Savior and her friend. I love the way she cares for animals and inquisitively explores her surroundings.

I am learning to be a "soccer mom," something I never thought I'd be. I am always exhausted after work, and prefer to stay home, so taking her to soccer practices and games three times a week is challenging for me. But I love to watch her play! She is fierce and powerful and has wonderful sportsmanship. She recently hyperextended her knee during a soccer game, so that meant three weeks of physical therapy instead of soccer practice. I enjoyed going to the PT with her and learning about the way sports affect her body. I never played sports, so this is all new to me!

She's really independent and a huge help around the house, but she still lets me be her mom. I love that she comes to me with all her questions about girl stuff, relationship stuff, and emotional stuff. I feel like we have a strong, deep relationship now. We can talk about anything. She is rarely sick, but when she is, I selfishly enjoy the cuddle time she craves to help her feel better. I love that she asks me to help her study. I love that she asks me to help her with puzzles. The first years she was home, I wasn't able to be as emotionally present as I wanted to be, and I regret that very much. But I have to trust that it was part of God's plan for our lives.

So for now, I am Tarana's Mama. If she turns out to be the only kid who ever calls me mom, I am OK with that. If God has another plan and there's another kid out there who needs to join our family, we will answer that call too. God is good and His plans are perfect. I am so thankful to be Tarana's Mama.