mud and rain

“Two men look out the same prison bars; one sees mud and the other stars.”  
Sometimes it's hard to see the stars when there's so much mud.

I read somewhere that sometimes, what we really need is a friend who will sit with us in our mud puddles, who will be there for us in our messes, quietly, supportively.

That's why I didn't leave Tarana sitting on the curb alone this afternoon. Her tantrum was over, her grandparents had gone home, her dad hadn't yet returned from his weekend out of town and she was sitting there with her head in her hands, quietly crying, unable to communicate her feelings.

We sat there and stared out into the neighborhood. I told her about the birds singing, the dogs barking, the trees dancing, the sun shining, and the bugs crawling, until finally she heard me, and noticed an ant. It was a nice ant, she said, and it wouldn't bite her. It was crawling on her hand. And then we noticed a slug. And then a bug. And she was back.


I know there have been times when I've been too absorbed in disappointments to notice the beauty around me. I want to say I understand her inner turmoil, but I don't. How can I? I don't even know where she's been. I don't know what has happened to her in her life. I don't know how many people have left her and never returned. I've never been an orphan, never had a new family, never been forced into a new culture. In many ways, she doesn't fully understand us either. She doesn't understand how much we love her.

One of my favorite songs says, "I can't stop the rain from fallin' down on you again. I can't stop the rain, but I will hold you til it goes away."
I can't change Tarana's past or explain the confusion of her present circumstances, but I can sit with her on the curb while she cries and thinks, and I can distract her with stories about slugs and bugs.

Often, when she and Kyle drop me off at work, she covers her face so I can't kiss her goodbye. That's her way of showing me that she doesn't want me to leave. But I want her to know that I will never leave her, that I will always come back home. So I always kiss her anyway, and say "I love you and there's nothing you can do about it." And that's the truth.

Why Have Children?

Since Tarana's been home, more and more people have been asking me why we adopted. I get questions like, "what, you couldn't have your own kids?" Hmm...

And I'm not offended, really, ok, maybe a little annoyed by the implications of that question, as if biological children are more valuable and desirable than adopted children, but not offended, no.

So I started thinking about it. These are the questions we had to ask ourselves when we got married and pregnancy became possible. We wanted children. We love children! So how should we proceed? Should we pursue pregnancy right away or wait? Was it too early to pursue our dream of adoption?


If we had chosen to pursue pregnancy, why would that be?

Is it because my biological clock tells me it's about time I get pregnant?
Well, as a matter of fact, my biological clock does try to pull that one on me from time to time, but I just remind it that pregnancy is not the plan for our family.

Do we need to populate the earth?
No, that's already been overdone.

Do we need to produce an heir?
No, we're not royalty, so the inheritance we pass on to our children won't have to be determined by blood relation.

Do we want to carry on the family name?
No, we don't, and even if we did think that a matter of importance, our brothers have already taken care of that for us. Thanks, brothers. :) And...adopted children get to own the family name as equally as biological children, so no. Not an issue.
As Kyle says, adopted children are just as important to the family name as biological children because it's not the 7th century and we're not warring clans between vikings and Anglo-Saxons trying to divide territories based on bloodlines.

Do we need to produce workers to carry on the family business?
Nope.

Do we want to reproduce to carry on our good genes?
No. I mean, I know what you're thinking. It's a shame not to bless the world by passing on our genetic charm, good looks and superior intelligence, but we're just not into that. Nobody's perfect.

Should we have children because children are a joy and a blessing?
Yes! And guess what? Adopted children are just as much fun as biological children! True story!

As for questions about why we should adopt, well I could go on and on. Do you really want to get me started on that?

I love all of you who have and are choosing to grow your families by birthing babies, but that's just not our calling.

one month in

Tarana has been home a month now. She is beautiful. She is brilliant. She is opinionated. She is talented.

We are so thankful for her! I stare at her and the mantra in my mind is "Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jesus."

I love her sweet good morning smiles. I love her loud, joyful laughter. I even love her for her moments of rebellion and defiance because it means she trusts us enough to disagree with us, and she values herself enough to make her preferences known. I love to see her jump on the bed and on the couch, even though she's usually still wearing her shoes and it makes a mess. I love to see her playing with our dogs.

I love her innocence. Other six and seven-year-olds I know are crushing on pop stars and mimicing fashion trends. She is picky about the clothes she chooses each day, but she isn't concerned with fashion trends at all, to be sure. She dresses as she wishes, and we don't interfere!

Tarana is into princesses, nursery songs, animals, books and dolls. She laughs hysterically at Disney movies, and jumps up and down when she hears the Veggie Tales theme song. When we clap, dance and sing at home, she joins in. She is such a joyful child!

She eats a lot! And she's no longer vegetarian! Her choice! She asked for meat about two weeks after being home. To be sure she knew what she was eating, we showed her pictures of the animals before we served her, but she wanted to eat it anyway, and she loves it! So we all eat the same food now, except she loves eggplant (a favorite from India, she says) and I can't eat that. I'm allergic.

She loves interacting with other kids, and mothers the smallest ones. She is so gentle with babies, and delighted to be with them! She comments on their small hands, feet and smiles.

She and Kyle have so much fun together during the day while I'm at work. When I come home, she and I go on walks together and talk about the day. I love the way she uses her developing English to speak her mind.

We have fun with our morning and bedtime routines. Nights can be the hardest times for her, emotionally, but she makes it through, and she loves story time! Sometimes, in the middle of the night, she calls my name. Thank goodness for the baby monitors connecting our bedrooms! Kyle says that Tarana's voice calling out to me is the only sound that will wake me up at night, and I think he's right! She wakes me up because she's cold and needs to be tucked in, or hot and needs the fan turned on, or itchy and needs lotion applied. I've been surprised to discover that I don't mind getting up in the middle of the night for her. I love being able to meet her needs. I love being her mom.  

turn that frown upside down

Praise the Lord for Hindi speakers.

We took Tarana on a five-hour car trip this weekend for my sister’s wedding.

The night before we left, I was praying with Tarana at bedtime, thanking Jesus for our family members and asking protection for our travel. Tarana started crying and said “No grandmother home. Please, mom.” She cried herself to sleep as a comforted her as best I could, given the language barrier. I knew she was probably confused. She loves her grandparents, but she couldn't bear the idea that we might be taking her to another home to drop her off.

The next day, she protested and protested as we were packing our bags and loading the car. She cried, begged, threw things at us, stomped on her things, ripped paper, anything she could do to show us she didn’t want to go. We didn’t know how to tell her that we weren’t taking her to a new home! So we had to carry her to the car and buckle her in. She protested the seatbelt and tried to open the car door, but eventually we calmed her down. 

We had some happy moments on the trip, like when I showed her how to climb and slide inside the McDonald’s play place and when we stopped at a rest area and picked flowers and talked about birds. She was OK then. It’s when we buckled her back into the car that she cried and begged us not to take her.

When we were about ten minutes from my parents’ house, I pointed out an airplane flying in the sky. And she immediately threw up. So I knew she thought we were about to put her back on a plane, and we tried again to convince her that it was a short trip and we’d return home on Sunday, but she just didn't believe us.

Tarana was a trooper through the bridesmaid’s luncheon, the wedding rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. She was pouty, but gave us some smiles and was kind to the new people she was meeting. She did throw tantrums at bedtime and bath time, but who can blame her? She was so confused!

She even did a great job walking down the aisle with me during the wedding ceremony! She was the flower girl and I was the matron of honor. She protested her role as flower girl, so she carried my bouquet while I carried her basket. She stood beside me during the ceremony, watching my sister, the beautiful bride, in awe. She decided to throw the flower petals during the recessional, as she walked back down the aisle with the ring bearers. That was fine with us.

As the bridal party stood outside for photos after the wedding, Tarana played nearby. When we told her it was time for our family to be photographed with the bride and groom, she protested. My husband had to pick her up and bring her to the photo spot, and she had a meltdown. In the photos, she is covering her face and crying. 

We felt so sad for her. I tried to comfort her, but then she kicked off her shoes and threw her garland on the ground. So I carried her to the other side of the church where there was a playground. I put her down, but she wouldn’t move. 

One of the wedding guests brought her a big Dora coloring book and crayons, which she ignored until I threatened to color the watermelon blue, and that just wouldn’t do, so she started coloring it red. Her grandmother brought her some snacks from the reception, and they sat there on the sidewalk for a long time until she was calm enough to join everyone in the reception hall. 

There, she was introduced to two of my sister’s friends from India, who spoke to her in Hindi. Tarana told those girls that our family was en route back to India. Oh. So that explains it. They told her we’re not taking her back to India, but back to our house with her toys and her dogs, and she was so relieved! They also explained to her that we were at her aunt’s wedding and would be returning to our house soon. "A wedding?" she said. "Home?" she asked. Until that moment, Tarana had had no idea what was going on! Our English explanations just hadn’t cut it! Once she understood the situation, her frown turned upside down and she was happy for the rest of the visit!

             

We went into this trip knowing it was too early for a newly adopted child to participate in such a big event in a new place, with several nights away from her new home, but what choice did we have? We had to attend this once-in-a-lifetime celebration! It was God's grace that redeemed the situation. We are thankful to God and thankful to our family and friends who helped her along the way. 

There is no way we could have made her understand the purpose of our trip using English. We thank God for these Indian girls who made such a difference in Tarana’s heart. And thankfully, they gave us their phone numbers and told her she can call them any time she’s confused.Thanks be to God.

Tarana has been much happier ever since, singing, dancing, laughing, chattering and even giving hugs and cuddles! And tonight, she told us she loves us! :) :) :) We are so in love with her.

photos

 We're home!

my kind of girl

This little kid knows a lot more than she lets on. Today in the airplane, she said “game,” put on her pouty face and made some whiny noises. I told her to say “please,” because we’re trying to work on manners from the get go. She looks at me and says, “Give me the game, please.” What? That’s maybe the third complete sentence she’s spoken to me. The only other one I remember was “I’m fine, thank you,” in response to our daily “Good Morning, how are you?” routine. She’s going to be speaking like any other American six-year-old real soon, I can tell.

One of her most delightful behaviors is that she acts out our mommy-daughter interactions with her Barbie. If I bathe her, she bathes her Barbie. If I brush her hair, she brushes Barbie’s hair. If I tuck her in, she tucks Barbie in. I love being her mommy!

She’s kind of OCD like me, except not like me, because she can’t seem to tolerate messiness, and I’m MESSY. She always wants everything in it’s proper place. She’s always smoothing down blankets and rearranging things according to her sense of order. She gets very upset if we have trash and have to carry it with us awhile before we can find a trash can. In the Frankfurt airport, she insisted on changing her clothes, since she spilled some powdered creamer on her shirt in the plane.

I bit into a hot pepper on the plane and Tarana, seeing my distress, offered me her cup of yogurt because she’s Indian and she knows that yogurt is the solution to too much spice.

She is way into Disney already, totally mesmerized by the movies Enchanted and Mary Poppins. It made my heart so happy to see her laughing at Bert and friends floating on the ceiling from so much laughter.

She knows a lot of songs! She can sing “If you’re happy and you know it” and “Jingle Bells.” She knows about Santa Claus…he visited the orphanage! We’ve seen pictures!

She’s vegetarian. She’s never had meat, and coke makes her throw up. So we’re going to ease her into the American diet sloooowly. We’re not even going to give her meat broth until after my sister’s wedding in a little over a week. 

oh, and p.s. We are SO thankful to all our friends and family helping us with things like communication, transportation, housesitting, dogsitting, kitchen stocking and child care.  We are so blessed by our family and community!

such a smartie pants

Wow, what a great three days we’ve had being mom and dad to our sweet, spunky little Tarana. She’s a trip, y’all. On the first day, she just waltzed right into the office, looked at both of us and said, “Hello! Mom! Dad!” And just stood there looking at us. We didn’t know what to do! Should we hug her? Kiss her? Shake her hand? So we just stared back at her. There went my fantasy of video recording our first meeting, like it was supposed to play out like some silly Lifetime movie or something, but that was OK. It was just right the way it happened. She is full of life and eager to show off. We love her.

She likes to color in the Veggie Tales coloring book we brought. She was frustrated that none of the crayons looked properly black to her. She has a vision for her artwork, and the choices of colors we provided just weren’t cutting it. Oh, and the other color she requested again and again was “sky blue.” Lucky her, we had that one.

She loves our camera. She has learned to use it, mostly teaching herself, but also coming to us for help.

We communicate well enough. She has enough English vocabulary to let us know what she wants with single words or short phrases. Mostly we communicate with facial expressions and body language. She loves the word “no,” and is a pro with the pouty face. We’ll have to work on that.

She can tell us if she’s hot, tired or hungry. She can say “water” when she’s thirsty. She knows her colors and animals…she even identified a sparrow and a penguin! (She has a stuffed animal sparrow we brought, and there was a penguin in one of the photos we showed her.)

She loves to demonstrate her understanding of the alphabet and counting. She begs to use the computer, just so she can type. Kyle introduced her to a game on his iphone today while we were waiting at the clinic, and she’s way into that.

Tomorrow is visa day! We have an appointment with the embassy, but there is still a form missing from the government. It’s supposed to go straight to the embassy when it’s ready, so please pray that it does! When we left the orphanage today, I told Tarana we would be back tomorrow, and she said, “yes, Thursday”…except she pronounced it “Terzday.” She’s so cute.